Why Being Nice When You're Mad Actually Works: A Therapist's Guide to Loving Firmness
Ever caught yourself thinking, "Why should I be nice when I'm this angry?" As a couples therapist, I hear this all the time. And honestly? It's a fair question. When your partner's done something that drives you up the wall, being loving might feel like the last thing you want to do. But here's the plot twist: combining love with firmness is actually your secret weapon for getting more of what you want in your relationship.
The Harsh Truth About Harshness
Let's be real - when we're mad, we often think that if we aren't harsh enough, we won't be taken seriously. It's like we believe cranking up the volume will finally make our partner hear us. But here's what actually happens: they get defensive, shut down, or fire back with their own harshness. Suddenly, you're both stuck in a cycle where nobody's listening and nothing changes.
What Loving Firmness Actually Looks Like
Loving firmness isn't about being a doormat or suppressing your anger. It's about delivering your truth with both backbone and heart. Instead of "You never help with the dishes - you're so lazy!" try "I love our home and our life together, AND I need us to figure out a fair way to handle household chores."
See the difference? You're still holding your ground, but you're doing it while keeping the door open for connection.
But I'm Mad for a Good Reason!
Yes, you probably are! And that's exactly why loving firmness is so powerful. When you're justified in your anger, it's tempting to think harshness is the answer. But here's what relationship expert Terry Real teaches us: "There is nothing that harshness can do that loving firmness can't do better."
Think of it this way: If your goal is to actually solve the problem (rather than just venting), you need your partner in a state where they can hear you and work with you. Harshness practically guarantees they'll get defensive or shut down instead.
The How-To of Loving Firmness
Here's your practical toolkit for those moments when being harsh feels irresistible:
Take a breath. Seriously. This creates space between your impulse and your response.
Connect before you correct. Start with something that affirms your relationship: "Our relationship matters to me, and that's why this is important."
State your boundary or need clearly, without apology or aggression: "I need you to put down your phone when we're having important conversations."
Keep the door open: "I'm willing to discuss this when we're both calm."
When It's Hard to Be Both Loving and Firm
Sometimes, past experiences or trauma can make it especially challenging to maintain both love and firmness in tense moments. This is normal - and workable. Therapeutic approaches like brainspotting and accelerated resolution therapy can help clear these blocks, making it easier to respond from a place of balanced strength.
The Bottom Line
Being loving when you're mad isn't about being nice - it's about being effective. Harshness might feel powerful in the moment, but it usually gets you the opposite of what you want: more distance, more defensiveness, and more conflict.
Ready to try loving firmness in your relationship? Remember: you can be strong without being harsh, and loving without being weak. It's not about choosing between getting your needs met and maintaining connection - with loving firmness, you can do both.
Need support in making this shift?
That's what I'm here for. Sometimes we all need a guide to help us navigate new ways of being in relationship.
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